TROWEL & SWORD

Lessons from Grief (Pt.2)

Rev John Westendorp

Lesson Two: Community

It’s hardly possible to overestimate the importance of family. The family has always been the basic building block of society. It always will be – despite the best efforts of those promoting alternate life-styles.

It’s particularly encouraging to experience the support of one’s family in times of difficulty. In recent months I have experienced that first-hand over and over. Especially during the first few weeks after Ali’s death, the telecommunication companies made a lot of money from our grief as we constant called to check with one another how we were coping. It was encouraging for me to have the kids checking to make sure that Dad hadn’t fallen in a heap. Members of the wider family phoned regularly from Victoria to see how we in Queensland were handling the harsh reality of bereavement. Some of them still do. At times like this we experience the blessing of God that comes through the love and concern of one’s extended family.

How tragic when families become so dysfunctional that hurting people are robbed of that vital support that comes from family networks. We as Christians who understand God’s purpose for the family have a wonderful opportunity to make a difference and to get alongside those who have no support from their family. Over the years I have often heard people say things such as, “I don’t have any family but this church is my family.” Others, from dysfunctional families have remarked that their church family is more important to them or more supportive of them than their biological family.

That raises then another aspect of “family”. If it’s hardly possible to underestimate the importance of family that is equally so when it comes to the Church Family.

As a pastor I have often seen congregations rally around those who are going through tough times. In these last three years and especially these last couple of months I have experienced that first-hand too. The love, care and concern of God’s family have been a great help to us as we struggled at times to cope. It has been truly overwhelming to receive so much support... so many assurances of prayer.

Of course I’m conscious that we pastors make far more “people contacts” than most of those who fill our pews. So it’s not only the folk from our local church in Toowoomba who showed that they cared. So many people from the previous churches that Ali and I served have assured us of their prayers. It has been wonderful to know oneself being carried on the prayers of God’s people.

In some way this community support from the church is natural and is to be expected. We call ourselves “brothers and sisters in Christ”. If that’s what we are then we owe it to one another to care for one another as brothers and sisters too.

On other hand in our fallen world, where families can become dysfunctional, it is also possible for the church community to be less caring than it ought to be. In some extreme situations the church community can even become so divided that instead of caring for one another we become the source of each other’s pain.

It’s for this reason—the breakdown of human relationships—that the Bible gives us so many admonitions and challenges to work at mutual care for one another. Paul tells us to carry one another’s burdens and so fulfil the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2). John, in his letters tells us repeatedly to love one another (John 4:7) and James reminds us that a callous disregard for the needs of others is simply evidence of a dead faith, since faith without works is dead (James 2:26). Jesus Himself told us that whatever we do for the least of the needy we do as unto Him. In the light of all this it’s tragic when we allow someone to “fall through the gaps”.

Best of all this kind of family care for one another is a powerful witness to the world around us. Already in the times of the early church it was said, “See how these Christians love one another.” Our mutual love not only flows from the gospel of Christ, it is also a wonderful witness to that gospel as people see the life of Jesus lived out in our daily concern for each other’s wellbeing.

Lesson Three: Condolences

A word often associated with bereavement, grief and loss is the word ‘condolence’. Over these last couple of months I have had many people express their condolences. “I just want to express my condolences to you at Ali’s passing,” was a typical remark. I was blessed to receive dozens of “condolence” cards.

Condolence is an unusual word that is not generally used in other contexts. Thinking about it has made me curious and interested in looking at the origins of the word.

Condolence comes from the Latin word ‘condolere’, which my dictionary tells me means ‘to suffer together’. The prefix com (con) means ‘with’. And ‘dolere’ means ‘to grieve’.

Obviously a condolence is then another expression of community. We laugh with those who laugh and we grieve with those who grieve. ‘Wonderful to be part of community that knows how to weep with those who weep.

But that’s just the problem isn’t it. Many of us don’t feel too comfortable around those who have recently been bereaved. Joining in with the laughter of those who are happy is one thing, sharing another’s grief is much harder. In fact it’s a major problem for some to express their condolences.

I recall a widow, who had tragically lost her husband to cancer, lamenting that some folk whom she had considered friends had not made any attempt to contact her. She said, “I feel that they are treating me as if I had leprosy.” I explained to her that there are people who have never experienced the loss of a friend. Death has never come close to some families. When they are then confronted with a bereavement they struggle to cope with their own emotions and don’t know how to deal with the grief of others.

In the aftermath of Ali’s death I have difficulty remembering all the wonderful words of encouragement that were offered. The condolences were numerous and they were genuinely appreciated. They were also needed. God ministered to me through those condolences. But those days are something of a blur in my memory. However there were three people whose words I can remember with great clarity. They said, “I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to say.” That was a wonderful expression of what it means to ‘condolere’. These folk felt the sense of loss, struggled with their own emotions about that but still wanted to show that they cared. That’s condolence at its best.

The point I want to make is that to comfort the bereaved you don’t need to say anything profound. Just show that you care – even by simply telling the person that you too struggle with what has happened.

Let me give some reasons why it’s good to keep that in mind.

First, a time of bereavement and loss is not the time for long speeches or for a mini-sermon, for example, on the fact that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him. I recall that when Ali’s father died one well-meaning friend felt Ali needed a good reminder of some of the wonderful truths of the gospel that put death into perspective. I recall that Ali ‘endured’ his speech because she was keen to leave and catch a plane to be with her mother. She would much more have appreciated the simple encouragement of a brief promise, “I’ll be praying for you.”

Second, the bereaved, in most instances, need a listening ear rather than profound advice. There is therapy in telling others what happened and how you feel. It helped me to process my grief when I was given opportunity to tell others the story of Ali’s final days. To ‘condolere’ is not just for you to let me know that you share my sorrow and loss it’s also to give me the opportunity to express my grief. So please don’t feel that you have to provide the grieving with answers to all their questions. Just give them a chance to unload.

Finally, please be genuine. It’s easy to say, “I’ll pray for you” and then not do it. It’s easy to make some general promise of calling around or of having a grieving widow around for a meal but if those promises are not kept than the promises are counter-productive and the condolence is perhaps more to make you feel good than to help the bereaved.

Lesson Four: Loss

Over the years, as I’ve pastored many who have lost their partner, I have often been struck by the pervasiveness of the sense of loss. Sometimes a widow will speak of the death of her husband twenty years ago and as she does so her eyes will still fill with tears.

Of course that is not always the case. I know of more than one instance in which someone lost a spouse and where there was relatively little grief. When the other partner has been domineering and abusive, their death may still lead to a certain sense of loss but it will also produce a sense of freedom. Indeed, in those instances the remaining partner has often blossomed and taken on a whole new lease on life.

However, in good marriages the sense of loss is often as profound as it is long lasting. And nothing quite prepares you for it. It’s one thing to see the profound effects of bereavement in others. That may give you intellectual understanding of the situation. But I’m now grappling with that daily, not intellectually but experientially.

So how does one handle this sense of loss? And does a bereaved person get to the point where we can say that “they’ve got over their grief”? During these past months I’ve had several people say to me, something along the lines of, “Well, I guess that time will heal the wounds.” But does it really?

Again I found that C.S. Lewis had
some helpful insights in his book, A
grief observed.

Lewis comments about people asking him whether he had gotten over his grief yet. He asks: what do they mean by “getting over it”? He then uses a very helpful analogy to explain to those who have not suffered the loss of a spouse what it is like. He asks his reader to imagine someone being hospitalised and undergoing surgery and then “getting over” the surgery.

However there are different kinds of surgery. When someone has surgery to remove an infected appendix then the operation will result in pain and discomfort but once the patient “gets over” the surgery life goes on as normal and one is soon oblivious to the appendix no longer being there. In daily life the loss of an appendix is not an issue. But now imagine that instead of being for appendicitis the surgery is for a cancerous shin bone and that the leg is amputated below the knee. One may certainly “get over” the surgery in the sense that the wounds heal and the bandages come off. However that person is left with the physical handicap of forever after being an amputee. Even if he should wear an artificial limb the replacement leg is never as good as the lost leg.

The bereaved too suffer a lasting loss and in a real sense I now feel the enduring handicap of being without Ali, my partner.

I even find the idea of an artificial leg for an amputee an interesting analogy. Not long ago I was speaking to a man who lost his wife to cancer soon after retirement. He had since remarried... and happily so. In fact I’m sure his second wife would not at all like to be compared to an artificial leg. However he made this telling observation: I love my second wife and we have a lovely relationship but no one can take the place of the woman who is the mother of my children and who was my partner for more than forty years. Those who marry a widow or widower will do well to remember that. The bereaved who remarry should remember that too because so often second marriages begin with unrealistic expectations.

Of course all this does not detract from the wonderful provisions of our God. Loss is part of life. All of us know that when we get married one of us will die first and leave the other bereaved. We may not like to think about that kind of loss – but it will happen, unless of course both husband and wife die together in some tragic accident.

Ultimately we must look to the Lord to strengthen us to cope with loss. Only He can bring about true healing and help us cope with the handicap of a missing partner. In second marriages too, people need to realise what is also true for first marriages: that too many people look for something in their marriage partner that can only be found in the Lord.

All reports of problems and comments concerning this site: webmaster@trowelandsword.org.au

Privacy